messy, moody, meltdowns

so i actually finished the two cleaning/organizing books- got some super great tips that i cant wait to implement once i get control over my house, and have finally had a chance to escape back into my happiness project book, and im glad because it has been a while.. let me first say that i still absolutely love love love the book, however i was starting to become a bit doubtful- how can someone truley be so positive all the time, and focus on happiness constantly... my life is crazy at times, and i sometimes dont feel like i have the time to notice what im wearing let alone remember to notice the small things, and enjoy the happy things around me... to me it was beginning to look like the Duggars (you know the family with 19 kids)- everything always seems happy, and pleasant all the time, very orderly and happy...COME ON- seriously i want the cameras to catch them on a chaotic day when the little ones are screaming, and the big ones have attitudes...that is my life...minus 16 kids. i so totally admire Gretchen(the author of the happiness project) for the persistence she has in the project, and someday strive to be more like her with organization and such, but (here comes the evil party pooper in me) even as i try to be more positive and organized-forces beyond my supermom control  (hahaha) keep me from being super sickening happy all the time... and finally she has had a breakdown in the book!  HALLELULIA!
     Somedays i dont want to be happy. Somedays i dont want to get out of bed. Somedays i feel like life craps in my house, and no matter how many times i clean it, or pick up, it is pointless. somedays my kids make it impossible to do anything or be rational at all. thus the name of my blog address...makesenseofmymess
     Here at home we are getting ready to have a big Halloween party for friends, (something we have never done before-and i am really excited about-nervous that it will be a boring ridiculous flop-but still excited) and planning it the month before was a challenge but major motivation to get my house in order because im very much an appearance person- i dont want to look like a horrible housewife. it is bad enough that im like 3 times the size i was in highschool. so- we had this plan to take a room in the house everyday and just clean it...yeah- never happened...great plan down the toilet partly due( no i will venture to say-mostly due to my 3rd shift working, sleep all day, cant finish a job he starts, husband-who i will add is the brains behind the room a day idea) now- i have 3 kids and psychotically enough i want another one, and my doc has put me on a bc to regulate me for a month to kick my cycle in the ass again...MOODINESS has entered my house like a bad cold. i admit that i have not been the most pleasant person, and i typically get crazy when it comes down to the wire with a cleaning deadline...but with 3 kids-that have been super needy lately, i feel like i cant accomplish anything around here. my though process in general with the house is that once we get it decluttered and cleaned, it will be easier to maintain as a whole. thus adding to my complete happiness goal. yeah- no...
      6 days till party and here i sit with a fussy teething 7 month old typing with one hand. looking around knowing that i cleaned my kitchen good yesterday, but seeing it this morning, you would have never thunk it. asnd seeing the remains of the closet project and laundry room project  my husband and i started-i know i have to finish them by myself.
      it starts when i roll out of bed. get to the bathroom, which i deep cleaned this week- finding 2 new toothpastes sitting on the counter from an early morning after work grocery trip my husband made this morning...while very much appreciated, why can he not move his arm a foot farther and put them in the drawer instead of leaving them sit there for me to put away.-  and of course after peeing come to find that the toilet paper roll is empty- wonderful!. then on to the next room with baby in tow because he wakes up and is instantly hungry- so is beginning to cry (i have to add that he really only crys when he is hungry, tired, or needs changed-but when it is one of those. buddy its right now) the dreaded dining room- the chronic catch all. i had the table cleared a few days ago and even had a pretty tablecloth on it, but now sits covered with adds, misc mail, school stuff that never seems to get put back in the school bag till i instruct it to, and a few odds and ends from the"lets go through this basket of crap finally"project -have to ignore it right now though on a mission for baby cereal to stop the crying... duh dum duh dum(cue jaws music)... entering the kitchen . that was mostly cleaned up last night since i could finally do the dishes after mike fixed the faucet. there sits cans of chef boyardee on the counter NEXT TO the pantry-why? open the damn door and put them in.  some people wish for the cleaning fairies to visit them at night. yes that would be nice, but id really like someone to just kill the destruction fairies that come to my house.. im not even going to look in the family room yet. its already been a freaking gorgeous morning i dont really need a straight jacket yet. it wont match my pajamas or smeared eye makeup that i forgot to take off last night.
     its beginning to look like clutter will be once again shuffled into hiding-dont judge, you know you all do it sometimes- and my house will appear to be well kept and clean all the while eating away at my insides knowing that thanksgiving is around the corner...the next deadline to attempt to get the house under control. why do i do this to myself?
     on top of my moodiness and my infants issues, my 3 yr old has been having major meltdowns lately... i mean like sit on the floor refuse to move, crying and screaming, wont tell me whats wrong, neighbors probably think im beating my kid, flipping out meltdown.
     I am sure these things all tie in to one another and feed off each other, so what do i do to get back to happy? again i sometimes just dont want to act happy and be the mom i want everyone to think i am.  sometimes i want to take the mom cape off and have a tantrum like courtney without a real explanation. i really do want to be happier all aorund, and i really do want order in my house, and life... but crappy days happen- alot i might add. so i am very anxious to see how gretchen makes it through situations like this. 
     i enjoy nothing more than holding my beautiful babies when they feel like being cuddly, but even my infant doesnt want to be happy today. ugh. 
     there is my bitch sesion for the day...if you can relate-leave me a comment on how you deal with crap like this- cause i need help... till then im going to go clean something because a clean house makes me happy, so maybe a clean something will make me feel a little better.....till i ramble again- have the kind of day you want to have! :)

planting, progress, and procrastination

wow it feels like i havent posted in a while- oh i havent... duh...i think i need all my blog followers to send me little reminders to kick start my posting every now and then... i have come to realize that when i actually post
i am really taking the time to actively work on my goal...- blogging helps keep me centered on happiness- i am taking time to really think about the little things that i tend to overlook and take for granted.
that most likely was a big jumble of nothing to all of you, but in my warped mind it made perfect sense.
       i like the fact that as i unwind at the end of the day and reflect on what the day entailed, i smile. do you end your day with a smile? i know i dont all the time.  but i need to. i think ill add that to my resolution list- find at least one happy thing at the end of each day, even if the day was crappy, and be able to smile about something.  

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.  ~Andy Rooney
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.  ~Phyllis Diller

     just tonight as i was putting courtney to bed, she began a new phase- whining and begging for just one more song, one more favorite baby... a friend of mine recently posted a link to another moms blog talking about the same thing- kids putting us on guilt trips at bedtime... i giggled as i read it, and silently said thank you that i hadnt had to deal with it...HA! Even though i dread the nights to come and the evil mom i will be by not letting her get up just because she isnt sleepy, i still smile because i know she is growing up so fast...what is one more hug, or song sang to my sweet, innocent little obnoxious she devil...some day she wont want me to tuck her in...and btw- the sweet dream thing, didnt pan out... she said  "mommy, i dont want sweet dreams-im a yittle scared" maybe she just doesnt understand yet... ill keep trying...
    my 12 yr old on the other hand...lol  i know ive mentioned before the fact that he is really into things right now that we old crotchety parents(hahaha) deem to be stupid, but are pretty cool to pre-teens apparently... you remember gum wrapper chains, and pop tab collections...what in gods earth did we really do with them, what purpose did they ever serve- none. but they were fun.  jacobs thing right now- and i find myself rolling my eyes as i type...duct tape. he wants to make things out of it. a girl he went to school with made him a wallet out of red duct tape... seriously the boy doesnt have a thing to keep in a wallet, but oh well... he begged and begged a while back to use some to make something, and we adamantly said no- how mean are we! well- today while i was out shopping for our upcomming halloween party (so psyched about it) i found gobs of colored and patterned duct tape, and of course thought of him... and even though i really dont want to find duct tape crap lying all ove:) some of you might be aware we have had issues recently with him and attitude, and schooolwork- well, the light at the end of the tunnel is appearing i hope. his doctor started him on a med for adhd, and omg i think i have a new kid! he actually came home from school and said school doesnt suck as much anymore! i dont think i could have been any more relieved at that moment. that truely made me happy because i felt like i was losing that battle badly.
     so- im slow going with the book right now due to a thousand different things going on with the family, but i am determined to keep going on my road to order. i am however finding that road has soooooo many speed bumps, many of which i call mike...lol. my husband and self proclaimed procrastinator... major roadblock lately... im finding it really difficult to get some things accomplished that need to be done because of his lack of motivation... i know i cant change him, and i need to focus on myself, but it feels like a viscious circle... i know he would be more happier with more order here in the house, and i would be more happier if he would finnish something he starts, but how do i motivate him? i have problems motivating myself at times. this will deffinately take some thought. im constanly learning to pick my battles...
     i have been really trying to do small things each day to maintain the level of clutter at home...so far so good, i slack every few days, but it has been so nice to have the living room vaccuumed almost every day, and the kitchen counters cleaned off more often.(these have been a local catch all in the house) a clean kitchen makes me feel good...i love cooking and baking but only when my kitchen is clean and i have space. so i can happily say we have had several homecooked meals lately-which makes for a happier family. grabbing whatever we can find from the freezer or cupboard works occasionally, but i feel more incontrol when the kitchen is mine. one of gretchens resolutions is to do it if it takes less than a minute...for example if im unpacking a bag of groceries, instead of getting something out of the bag and putting it on the counter, it makes more sense to just put it where it goes instead. common sense i know- but before we would unload the bags and then it still seemed like a whole nother job to put them away.  i had mike put in a tension rod above the washer and dryer in my laundry room- yay! he actually finished something i asked him to do!!! my goal for this is to avoid living out of laundry baskets... i am attempting to pull empty hangars out of my closet and hang them on the rod, and actually fold the laundry as soon as i get it out of the dryer (wow-what a concept), because im more likely to put it directly away if it is folded when it gets to the bedroom rather than have a pile in the basket that still needs folding-that will sit there till i need something from it. im not quite on top of it yet, but im getting there. even a little progress is still progress---smile.
    we are also slowly making progress on the outside of the house too finally! we finished lining the front flower beds with the landscaping bricks that have been sitting in front of the garage for a few months, and mulched it...it looks so much better now...but we recently bought an ass load of mums for the flower beds. ( i am a huge bargain shopper- and i consider myself very resourceful- however this trait combined with the people pleaser, doesnt always lend well to time management and getting the things done that need to be..) our intentions are to actually PLANT them, but sadly alot of that will fall on mike to help me-and it is hard to dig holes in your sleep.  i cross my fingers thatwe can get them planted this week! but even with them just sitting out front, when i pull up to the house i smile, because it looks so pretty. maybe im shallow because appearance is important to me, but oh well. ill be happy as i wade in the shallowness.

so- i think im going to go read a little while i have some quiet time, and maybe just maybe ill actually post again before the week passes...thanks for reading my random ramblings.... till later...

p.s- here is another fun happy tool...instant snow...one of the reasons ive been vaccuuming more- ive been letting courtney play with the snow... it keeps her busy for ever! it really is fun...messy but deffinately worth it. dont be scared to let it snow in your house... the smiles and giggles are priceless.